How They Came To Be
by mellarksbread
Summary: The story of how Katniss and Peeta grew back together after the Rebellion. Love, heartbreak and happiness. Will everything they've built come crashing down when Katniss finds a white rose on her doorstep? (re-uploaded)
1. Chapter 1

_Authors Note: My original account was 'taliamellark.' I decided to delete that account because it was cluttered and it annoyed me. I didn't want to discontinue this story so I've decided to re-upload it. However, there will be some changes because I believe it was too scattered and messy before. Most of it will initially be the same but I will be editing the chapters and changing a few things. I am going to delete that account soon and this will be the only story that I am re-uploading. The rest of the chapters will be up throughout the week. Reviews are immensely appreciated, enjoy!_

I had lost track of the months that passed since the Capitol was defeated. That was something that should have made me jump with joy. A world without the Capitol meant no more Hunger Games. Yet, I could not celebrate as everyone else had once the rebels had won. I had lost too much in the process. I lost my mother and Gale. They were alive but I knew that there was a small chance they would ever return. Finnick was dead. Peeta…I couldn't remember the last time I spoke to Peeta. My heart dropped just thinking of him. I missed him. I longed for Peeta, for the hope that he brings. Some nights were unbearable. His embrace was once my safe haven. In his arms, and his only, I would be protected from the nightmares.

But that was another thing the Capitol had taken away from me. He had been tortured and hijacked, programmed to kill me. I didn't know if he had recovered. Plutarch said that there was a chance he could return to normal but he wasn't certain. There were many things that were still unclear but one thing I could not ignore was that I felt lost without him.

And Prim… my precious and innocent sister. I gripped the sheets of my bed and curled into a ball. My eyes squeezed shut as I tried to replace the burning images with sweet memories. I couldn't stand to think about her but I felt like forgetting what happened would mean to forget her and I could never do that.

I had been a zombie ever since I returned to District 12. Greasy Sae came every morning and night to cook for me. I didn't know if this was out of kindness of if she was asked to do it but I was never able to hold a conversation for long enough to ask her. Sometimes she would bring her granddaughter to help. Greasy Sae never asked questions that involved a heavy answer. She would comment on simple things, like the change of weather or how the birds sang more often now. She found that I was comfortable with silence. I never saw anyone so having some human interaction was pleasant.

Haymitch hardly ever left his house either so I rarely saw him. I didn't blame him; I hadn't left my house since I returned. On rare occasions Haymitch would make an appearance at dinner time but no words were ever exchanged. He was always drowning in alcohol and I no longer judged him for it. I would do anything to numb the pain that suffocated me.

I was still curled up into a ball with my eyes shut when I smelt the aroma of food being prepared downstairs. I wasn't quite in the mood to venture downstairs to eat but my stomach growled in protest.

I rolled over to the side of the bed, slipping the blanket off of me and shivering as the cool air clung to my exposed skin.

Something seemed different today. The sun shone high in the sky and brightly through my windows. Although the air was chilly, the sun provided a fresh, soothing warmth. The birds sand loudly outside my window. Nothing was noticeably different yet something just…felt different. I shook my head at the feeling, refusing to take notice of it.

Slowly I sat up, feeling my brown locks slip down my back in a messy tangle. My body felt numb and weak. I stretched, trying to ease the tension in my limbs but it didn't work. Sighing, I stood and grabbed the silk robe Effie had given me what felt like a lifetime ago. I slipped it on, refusing to look down at the scars that tainted my body. They were caused by the same fire that killed _her _and served as a reminder of what had happened.

My legs shook as I thought of my beautiful sister. Every time she crept into my mind I wanted to close my eyes, sleep and never return.

However, I knew deep down that she would not want me to be like this. Taking a deep breath, I left the safety of my room and trudged down the stairs. Of course, there Greasy Sae was frying what looked and smelt like eggs.

"Smells great." I smiled which caused her to jump.

"Oh! Katniss! I didn't even hear you come down the stairs."

I had forgotten how quiet I was on my feet.

"Sorry," I apologized and sat myself down at the table.

Something in the air was different and I still couldn't quite figure it out.

Greasy Sae placed two plates down on the table, one in front of me and one for her.

"Your granddaughter is not joining us today?" I asked, pushing my fringe away from my eyes and glancing up towards her.

"Not today, she's out picking flowers." She replied and began to eat the eggs she had prepared.

The food looked and smelled great. I began to eat my food slowly, savouring the taste. We sat in silence and that didn't bother either of us.

When we were both done eating, Sae stood up and collected my dish and placed them in the sink. Just as she was about to begin washing them, I jumped up and walked towards her.

"Here, let me. You cook for me every day. I never do anything. Please, let me."

She looked up at me with her grey eyes and simply nodded. She lifted her hand, placing it on my cheek and smiled gently.

"Thank you, Katniss. I will see you later tonight for dinner." Dropping her hand, she turned on her feet and left.

I realized suddenly that I felt horrible, letting an old woman cook and clean for me when I was perfectly capable of doing it myself. Mentally, I was not even fit enough to get out of bed but physically I really could do the day to day things I should have been doing.

I washed the dishes thoroughly, dried them and put them away.

After taking a few deep breaths, my nose scrunched up at the smell. Was that me…or did something die?

I looked down at my clothes and realized that I had not changed since I arrived back in District 12. The only difference was the robe that I put on this morning. Suddenly, I felt bad for Greasy Sae. She had to be around me when I smelt like this and she would never say anything.

I made my way up the stairs and into the bathroom. There was already a towel neatly placed on the towel rack and I figured that was there from a long time ago by the dust that rose as I had picked it up. I stripped myself of my clothes and stepped into the shower.

It took a few seconds to get the water to be a sweet mixture of cold and hot. Once the temperature was right, I stepped underneath the warm water and sighed as the water caressed my body. It felt strangely good. I picked up the shampoo and lathered my hair in the stuff. I rinsed my hair of the strawberry scented shampoo and began to massage conditioner into my hair.

I spent quite a while in the shower, scrubbing my body with sweet smelling soaps and washing it off, rinsing and repeating.

Once I felt like there was no new skin left to scrub, I turned off the water and hopped out. I wrapped the towel around my body and stared into the mirror. Nothing had physically changed (except the scars) but I was a completely different person. I looked dead and empty.

I picked up the comb and began to untangle the knots out of my hair. This took a while but eventually I was done. I braided my hair to the side.

I left the bathroom and entered into my room. Without giving it much thought, I chose a simple t-shirt and jeans and slowly dressed myself.

My bed looked incredibly inviting and suddenly I felt tired. My eyes were heavy and my body begged for me to curl into a ball and sleep. I gave into my temptation, crawling into my bed and pulling the covers over me. In all fairness, I had done a lot more today than I had in the past couple of months. I closed my eyes and felt myself drift off to sleep.

When I woke, the sun was high in the sky. I figured it was just after midday. I stretched, sighing softly before it hit me. I hadn't had a nightmare. Instead, my nightmare was replaced with images of Peeta. I wouldn't exactly call it a dream. It was more so just images and memories that crept up on me while I slept.

This was the first time I had slept without experiencing any nightmares since the nights in the training centre before the Quarter Quell, when Peeta had been there.

A chill ran through my body and I shivered, not bothering to give it any more thought. My stomach growled and I decided it was time to get out of bed. I knew that I was beginning to get hungry again but I felt like I needed to be outdoors. I needed the fresh air. I vaguely recall Greasy Sae once mentioning that my bow and arrows were near the front door.

Today, I would go hunting.

I swallowed back my irrational fear of leaving the house and pulled on my boots. I went down the stairs and headed for the front door. There it was; my bow and arrows leaning against the wall. Had I really not ventured through the house enough to see these?

I picked up the bow and arrow and with a deep breath, I opened the front door. It pained me to see the house across from me. I just wanted Peeta to return, although I wasn't even sure if he ever would. The thought of never seeing Peeta again made my chest ache in a way that I was unfamiliar with and it scared me.

I closed my door behind me and began to make my way to the woods. I didn't know if going there would bring back any dark memories but I knew that I had to try. I was sure that Greasy Sae would like some fresh game to work with. I knew that I also needed to do this for myself; I was afraid that if I stopped for too long I would forget how.

All too quickly, I was at the fence that surrounded cut off District 12 from the woods. Out of habit, I waited a moment to hear if the buzz of electricity which meant the fence was alive but expectedly, there was nothing. I didn't think that it would ever be turned on again.

I slid through the small opening of the fence. Once I was on the other side, I stood there for a few seconds to let it all soak in. I had not left the comfort of my home for a very long time and I grew worried that I would have a meltdown or something and not make it back home. No one would come looking for me. No one would even be able to find me.

I journeyed towards the woods with my bow and arrow in hand, ready to aim and shoot if I saw any game. The woods were alive everywhere I looked. The mockingjays sung high up in the trees, the bushes were coloured with berries and turkeys, squirrels and other native animals scurrying along the forest floor.

After a while, I had got two turkeys and a squirrel. I figured that was enough for now but I did not want to go home yet. Instead, I decided to head for the meadow where Gale and I often spent our time together.

Being here brought memories of Gale and I that threatened to overwhelm me, but I desperately fought them away. I was beginning to feel like my old self again and I wouldn't let memories of him ruin that.

When I reached the meadow, I slumped down onto the floor letting my legs sprawl out in front of me. I hadn't sat down since I left the house and I was exhausted. I did not have the same energy that I used to have.

I placed my fresh game next to me alongside my bow and arrow and lay down. From here I could see the sky. I felt a stab of pain as my grey eyes scanned the scenery above me. The sun was going to set soon and the sky was painted with many shades of orange. This was _his_ favourite colour.

The thought of not even knowing whether he was okay or not left a deep hole in my chest that could not be filled until I knew if he was safe. If I actually decided to pick up Dr. Aurelius' calls, would he tell me how Peeta was going or did he need to keep that confidential? I made a mental note to pick up the phone next time it rang. The pain in my chest was becoming too much to bare. I needed to know if he was okay. I had tried many times to diminish my thoughts that wandered to Peeta but he always had a way of creeping back in.

The sun was slowly sinking down the horizon and I decided to take off home again. I knew I wouldn't make it back by dark but I knew these woods well enough to be able to find my way home.

I stuffed the dead animals into my game bag and began in the direction that would take me home.

When I arrived, Greasy Sae was waiting on my porch, sporting a worried expression. She caught a glimpse of me and sighed with relief.

"Katniss! I was so worried when I came and you weren't here. I didn't know where you went."

I bit my lip, feeling increasingly guilty. I hadn't left my house since I returned so of course it was reasonable for Sae to be worried. I should have left a note.

"I thought you would enjoy some fresh meat to work with." I smiled in response and pointed towards the turkey and squirrel.

We went into the house and I sat at the table as she prepared the food for us to eat. I wanted to get up and help her but I felt absolutely drained from my little hunting trip that I felt like I wouldn't even be able to stay awake to eat.

"Katniss," I felt someone shaking me awake.

"The food is ready. I think you fell asleep for a little bit."

Oops, that was the one thought on my mind I had before I had fallen asleep; _not to fall asleep._

"Thank you for waking me. I am pretty hungry." I admitted sheepishly. "The food smells absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much Sae."

She had prepared a stew with turkey meat. I gobbled it down quickly, burning my tongue in the process.

When we were both finished our meals, I washed the dishes and thanked her for coming. I felt like I owed her the world for looking after me for so long. I still didn't know if this was out of kindness or if she was paid for it, either way I was incredibly grateful.

"Let me walk you out." I smiled, gesturing for the door.

As I waved her goodbye, something in the corner of my eye caught my attention.

I swore I could physically feel my heart stop before it began to beat so loudly that I couldn't hear anything else.

I spun around, looking directly at the house across from mine.

Peeta's house.

Peeta's house had lights on. The lights were on. Someone was home.

Without bothering to shut my own front door, I sprinted towards his house. I did not knock.

I burst into his house. My mind was all over the place and my heart was still beating like crazy.

Was Peeta here?

I took another step forward and held my breath as a shadow emerged from the darkness.

There he was; standing at the end of the hallway. He was dressed in grey sweatpants at a white shirt. A wide smile spread across his face and his eyes came to life.

"Peeta." I whispered before everything turned black and I felt my cheek against the cool, tiled floor.


	2. Chapter 2

When my eyes first opened, I spent my first few waking moments in bliss. The smell of freshly made bread filled my nose and I could feel a soft blanket clinging to my skin. I snuggled further into the blanket, intending to fall back asleep.

Then I suddenly remembered where I was.

I shot up into a sitting position, my eyes darting around the place. I was in Peeta's house. I began to breathe rapidly, wondering if seeing Peeta again had all just been a dream. Had I sleep walked into his house?

"You're awake." Peeta murmured, his soft voice rising from somewhere behind me.

I stood abruptly, whipping around to where his voice had come from. His expression was tinted with concern. I could see the burn scars across his arms which caused me to wince. I was hit with a sudden wave of vertigo and had to hold onto the couch to keep my balance.

"Peeta…" I spoke; my voice was barely a whisper.

"It's me." He said strongly, the wide smile I had seen before I blacked out returned to his face. My heart skipped a beat.

Every fibre of my being wanted to run to him and take him into my arms but I couldn't find the strength to move.

"I…I thought that I would never s-see you again." My voice broke as the words came out. Tears began to stream down my cheeks. I realized now that I had lost all hope that I would ever see him again. Now he was standing not two metres away from me and I couldn't even move. I wanted – no, needed – to feel his arms around me once again. I wanted to be in the one place that I felt the most safe.

"Dr. Aurelius only approved that I was sane enough to leave the other day. I arrived a few hours ago. I wanted to come and see you, but truthfully I was kinda scared. I wasn't exactly sure if you ever wanted to see me again." He began to walk towards me and stopped when he was a few inches away. I could tell just by the sound of his voice how uneasy he felt.

I gazed into his blue eyes that I missed so dearly. I wanted so badly for him to put his arms around me. He was the only person that could hold me together when I felt like a million shattered pieces. He was the only one that could make the nightmares go away. I didn't know what all these strange emotions inside of me were but that didn't matter. What I know for certain is that he is alive and seemingly well. He is here.

Peeta seemed to be able to read the begging in my eyes. Within moments, he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. He smelt of the bread and cinnamon and everything that I had missed. My arms, finally able to move, snaked their way around his waist. I pressed my face into his chest and we stood there in silence for a few moments. I hadn't realised this during my months of being a living zombie but this, Peeta's touch, his warmth, was what I craved.

"I missed you, Katniss." Peeta whispered into my ear, breaking the silence and causing a shiver to roll over me.

"I missed you too." I replied, my words muffled by his chest. There was something brewing in the deepest parts of me and whatever it was made me want to never leave Peeta's side.

Reluctantly, I pulled away and dropped my arms. His face displayed a hint of sadness for a moment as our embrace ended but he quickly masked his emotions. I wanted to continue hugging him more than anything but I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to let go.

The smell of freshly baked bread still lingered in the air and it made my stomach growl. It was unusual that I was still hungry considering I had eaten not long ago. However, the bread that Peeta made always made my mouth water. He'd always leave me wanting more and I wasn't just talking about his food.

Peeta, hearing my stomach growled, released a soft laugh.

"Are you hungry? I kind of made your favourite…" He blushed. God, he was adorable. "Cheese buns, remember?"

I nodded in response, the corner of my lips pulled up to form a small smile. He was right of course, his cheese buns were my favourite.

Peeta smiled back and motioned for me to follow him to the kitchen. I obliged, following closely behind him. The smell of the bread grew stronger in the kitchen. I had forgotten how wonderful it smelt. There were a few cheese buns placed on a cooling rack on one of the benches. My mouth watered at just the sight of them and my eyes widened. I could not believe I was getting this excited over a cheese bun. In all fairness, it had been a long time since I'd had Peeta's baked goods.

Peeta grabbed a plate from the cupboard and handed me. He then placed two cheese buns on my plate and one on his own.

I frowned, wondering why he was only going to eat one. He looked a lot thinner than he had originally been. Had they even been feed-

"Would you like to sit at the table with me?" Peeta asked, pulling me away from my train of thought.

"Of course." I said softly, once again following him to the table. I sat down in the seat next to him, not wanting to leave his side. I knew that eventually I would have to leave and go to my own house. Although it was only across the street, a feeling of uneasiness washed over me when I thought about being that far away from him.

We both began to eat the cheese buns, ripping off little pieces and putting it into our mouths. I savoured each and every bite as it tasted absolutely delicious. I felt like I could eat ten more.

"These are delicious Peeta, thank you." I mumbled in between bites.

"You're welcome, Katniss. I'll cook them for you whenever you want."

The sweet gesture made me feel giddy inside but I hid my emotions well. I was so confused as to why I was feeling like this. Originally, the whole 'star-crossed lovers' was just an act. An act that saved our lives during the first Hunger Games we were in. However, during the Quarter Quell I found it became more comfortable with him. Then eventually, I realized that I wasn't acting at all. I refused to let myself think about this back then because it just let me confused.

I was terrified to love Peeta because he deserved so much more than me.

I swallowed back my feelings and began to finish off the last bit of the cheese bun that I had left.

"So…how are things in the Capitol?" I asked, unsure of what else to say. There were so many things that I knew I wanted to say but I did not know how to put them into a coherent sentence.

"I don't know. They didn't tell me much. From the looks of things, everyone is trying to get everything back in order and rebuild what they can. They don't want any of the districts to suffer. I don't know really…" He trailed off, his eyes focused on thin air.

"Katniss, look. I want to apologize. I am so sorry for everything that I called you. So sorry for trying to kill you-"

"Peeta, please, stop." I cut him off, shaking my head quickly. "_It was not your fault."_ I said firmly, emphasizing each word. He needed to know that I didn't blame him for anything. All the blame was on Snow. Even the moment he had his fingers wrapped around my throat, I immediately knew that it wasn't him.

He looked so sad. He no longer hid his emotions and I could see the regret evident on his face. I reached out and placed my hand on his cheek. He flinched as my hand came into contact with his skin but quickly leant into my gesture. The contact with his skin left my own feeling like it was on fire. His eyes wandered up slowly till they were level with mine.

"I don't blame you for any of that. It was Snow. He did that to you. Not yourself. You couldn't control what happened to you and I hated that so much. That was another reason why I so badly wanted to take down the Capitol. Because they took _you_ away from me." I was quite shocked at easily these words slipped from my mouth. He needed to know that I meant everything I said. I didn't want him to feel as though he was responsible for anything that happened.

"Katniss I…"

I quickly leant over and put my hands on either side of his face. He stopped talking immediately and his eyes widened. I wasn't intending to be this close to his face but I didn't pull away. I looked deeply into his eyes for a moment, my breathing becoming rapid.

Partly, I was being selfish because I didn't want him to speak of what happened in the past. It would make old memories surface and I wasn't entirely sure if I could handle that.

"I _do not _blame you, Peeta. You need to know that, okay?" I was whispering, afraid that if I spoke any louder I wouldn't be able to get the words out. I pressed my forehead to his, feeling comforted by our closeness. We had not been this close in a very long time and the proximity of his lips sent shivers down my spine and made my stomach turn into knots.

"Please don't speak of what happened in the past. I want you to focus on the present. The last thing I want is for you to feel guilt about what happened because I know that it was not you. I know that it was what they did to you that caused you to act like that. I know that deep down, you still loved and cared about me. I want you to be happy, Peeta." I had no idea where this was coming from as I didn't even know if I could ever be happy again myself. I may have lost my sister but he had lost his entire family and he had been tortured. He had the one thing done to him that he did not want; they had changed him into something he was not.

"I am just across the street if you need me. You're welcome to come and see me whenever you want." At this, his eyes lit up and he began to smile. Our eyes still stayed locked on each other. There was a part buried deep inside of me that wanted so badly to feel his lips pressed against my own. However, I needed to push that part of me away and lock it up forever. I couldn't feel that way about him. I couldn't let myself feel too much for anyone anymore knowing how much it hurt when I lost them. Love was dangerous and not something that I wanted.

"Thank you, Katniss." He breathed, finally breaking his gaze and looking away. I dropped my hands to my sides and sat back down in my chair. We sat in silence until I figured it was time for me to go home. I needed to be in my own home so that I could try and figure out the chaos going on inside my head.

"I think it is time for me to go home. I'm kind of tired." I lied, knowing that it would be long before I could sleep. Even then, the nightmares would keep my up for most of the night. Peeta was the only one that could make the nightmares go away but I couldn't sum up the courage to ask him to stay. That wouldn't be right of me.

"I know." Peeta smiled sadly at me before standing and picking up the two plates on the table. He walked over to the sink and placed them both in there then walked back towards me.

"Come on, I'll walk you out."

I stood up, this time walking ahead of him to the door. If I didn't leave soon I wouldn't have the willpower to ever leave. I would stay here, in his protective arms all night. I opened the door and stepped outside before turning around to face him.

"Thank you for the cheese buns Peeta. And thank you for letting me stay here for so long. You don't understand how good it was to be able to see you again."

"Trust me, Katniss, I know. I am more than happy to be back here just for the simple fact that you are here. I probably would not have been able to come back if it weren't for you. I probably wouldn't have been able to recover if it weren't for you." I stared at him in confusion but he just shook his head.

"I'll explain it to you a different time, I promise. I don't want to keep you from sleeping and plus, I'm kind of tired as well." He opened his arms, inviting me in. I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around him once again. I felt like I fit perfectly. Awkwardly, but it was perfect.

"Promise me when I wake up tomorrow you will still be here?" I whispered, hiding my face so that he wouldn't be able to read my emotions. I needed the reassurance that he would be here, that this all wasn't a dream that I would wake up from in the morning. My heart started to race at the very thought of waking up and having my hopes crushed.

"I promise I'll be here. Always." Peeta whispered into my hair, squeezing me tighter for a moment before letting me go. He held me at arm's length and that wide smile that made my heart melt spread across his face. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I'll see you tomorrow, then." I whispered, turning quickly and not looking back as I made a beeline to my house. I was desperately fighting the urge to run back and ask to sleep in his arms but I just couldn't do that.

When I got back to my house I realized that someone had shut the front door. I kicked off my boots and walked straight up the stairs and into my room. Dropping down onto the bed, I crawled under the covers and pulled them over my head.

Did all this mean that I really loved Peeta? The way I was feeling when I was with him and the strong urges that coursed through my body…was that an indication for love? I knew that ever since the Quarter Quell, I felt far more strongly for Peeta but I never thought that the feeling was love. Not in this particular form anyway. I wanted him in every way possible.

No.

I didn't.

I couldn't.

There was no threat that would take him away from me. There was no one left to torture him and use him just to break me. However, he could decide to leave me at any time. And I didn't think that I could live with another person I love leaving me whether it was their decision or not.

Within saying that, I didn't even know if he even still felt the same way about me. I had been a completely horrible person to him and had hurt him terribly. Why in the world would he still feel anything for me? Seeing Peeta had definitely awoken something that I had tried to keep hidden for a very long time. This wasn't how I felt when I saw Gale, or even Prim. The feeling consumed me entirely, suffocating me till it was all I could think about. I had pushed Peeta away for so long that it was a surprise that he was even happy to see me.

I lay there for a few hours, fighting every impulse that flowed through me. It took everything I had to stop myself from running to his house and into his arms. In time, I drifted off to sleep only to be woken up with nightmares what felt like every hour.

They consisted mostly of me searching for Peeta, calling out his name and hearing no response. I would search through his house, in the town and even the woods but he would never respond and eventually I gave in, dropping to the damp forest floor, sobbing for him to return.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sentences that are in bold are quotes from the book/movie. I don't own the Hunger Games franchise, I just like to play with the characters.  
Reviews are welcome and mean a lot :)

* * *

I roll over in bed and bury my face further into the pillow, groaning when I realise that it's wet. My eyes flung open, darting around the room. They sting badly and I gather that my pillow was wet from my tears. Had I been crying in my sleep? I knew that I had woken up several times last night. Sometimes screaming, sometimes calling Peeta's name. I prayed that he hadn't heard me from his house.

I didn't even realise that I had been crying. I close my eyes, wanting so badly to fall back to sleep but I knows what waits for me in my dreams was far worse than being awake. Plus, Peeta was back after all this time. I wanted to see him again. Last night I hadn't felt so whole in a long time. Slowly I stand, looking down I realize that I hadn't changed from the clothes I was wearing last night. I roll my eyes, remembering I hadn't changed for months on end when I had come home from the Capitol so this was nothing.

I walked to the bathroom, eager to jump into the shower. After months of not showering, yesterday the water on my damaged skin felt luxurious.

I strip myself of my clothes and hop into the shower. I make sure the temperature is just how I like it before scrubbing myself with soap that smelled of blueberries. This time, I don't bother to wash my hair since I'd done that yesterday. Instead, after scrubbing every inch of my body, I sink to the cool tiled floor and let the water splash down around me.

In what feels like a life time ago, I wouldn't even dream of doing this because of how much water I'm wasting. However, now I need this. The warm water soothes my skin, releasing some of the tension in my muscles.

My mind raced at a million miles per hour, thoughts of Peeta and what his return could mean took over my mind. I desperately needed to occupy myself as best as I could because if I didn't, there was nothing that would stop me from running back to the house right across from mine. If I found it empty, I wasn't sure if I could bare the pain. I couldn't get my hopes up only to have them crushed again. But it was already too late for that because my hopes were up. Aside from the anxiousness I was feeling, inside I was bubbling with joy.

Peeta was here and that made me happier than I ever thought possible. This feeling confused me and I was reluctant to think about it. It wasn't possible for me to fall in love for someone, was it?

After a while, I reluctantly rose to my feet and turned the tap off. My body felt relaxed from the warm water and all I really wanted to do was lie in bed and go back to sleep but my growling stomach had another plan.

I wrap my towel around me, not wanting to walk past the mirror in fear of seeing my scarred body. The burns reminded me too much of….

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I didn't want to think about her. If I did, I'd get lost in a sea of darkness that would take a miracle to pull me out of. If I wanted to continue living my life, I couldn't fall into that depression again.

Once in my room, I quickly dry my body and dress myself in a pair of jeans and a grey t-shirt. Not much different from yesterday but it wasn't like I was trying to impress anyone. I walk down the stairs to the kitchen and suddenly wish I had something to conceal my feet from the cool, tiled floors. The cold sent a shiver through my spine.

My eyes search the room, my eyebrows burrowing in confusion. There was no one here. No Greasy Sae or her granddaughter. That was odd; she had visited my house every morning to make breakfast. It didn't bother me that she was not here to cook, I just found myself wondering if she was okay. I make a mental note that I would go to her house later to make sure she was okay. Surely she was, perhaps she was just tired.

I had been so caught up in my thoughts that I only just noticed the subtle scent of freshly baked bread in the air. I search the kitchen thoroughly, aching to find the source of the smell. The smell that reminded me so much of the boy right across the road.

My eyes land on the bread that sat on the middle of the dining table and I swear my heart stops for a few moments. My body tenses, eyes darting everywhere to see if I can spot Peeta. I release the breath that I'd unknowingly been holding when my search confirms that he's nowhere in sight. Why was I so nervous to see him?

My stomach growls again at the mere sight of the bread. "Yeah, yeah, I'll eat now." I mutter to myself, grabbing a knife from the draw and plopping down on a chair. Images of Peeta sitting across from me flick through my mind but I make sure to push them away. These uncharted feelings make me feel uncomfortable.

I sliced a thick slice of bread before taking a bite. The intense flavours made my mouth water and I hastily finish the first piece. The bread is filled with nuts and raisins. I bite my lip, sighing as the thought of that day came into mind; the day that Peeta had actually saved my life with burnt nut and raisin bread.

At the time, he was unaware that he'd saved me. To this day, he is still probably unaware of what that bread meant to me. During the first games, I had told him how he gave me hope that day and that my family and I were alive because of him. He was my dandelion. He had given me hope. And all I had given him in return was heartbreak.

I felt sick with guilt. Haymitch really was right when he had said **"You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him."**

That was another reason why I couldn't let myself love Peeta; because he deserved so much more. Surely, now that the venom that had once poisoned his veins had shown him the worthless person I was, his feelings would have changed. I was almost certain that he didn't love me anymore. How could he after realising how terrible I really am? I wasn't the person he thought I was.

He seemed indifferent when I was with him last night. However, Peeta was a good actor and could mask his emotions when necessary.

However, if he didn't love me then that would be better for him. He deserved someone that could give him everything he wanted and more. I wasn't someone who could give him what he wanted.

Sighing, I cut myself another piece of bread. This time, I eat it slowly, savouring each bite. I could taste the dough, the raisins and the nuts. However, there was a subtle earthly taste that lingered on my tongue. Just like Peeta. Oh god, how I missed Peeta's lips. They were always loving and gentle but at the same time, rough and hungry when I allowed it. Majority of the kisses we had shared were for the camera. However, during the Quarter Quell this changed. I kissed him because I wanted to, not to save our lives.

I feel the lump in my throat rise as I recalled the moment Peeta hit the force field. It felt like there were hundreds of knives stabbing my heart all at once. How could I ever survive with Peeta gone? Thinking he was gone, not being able to hear the steady rhythm of his heart beating in his chest was enough to destroy me. Unfortunately at the time, I showed my underlying affection to him too much. At that moment, Snow realised that the love was no longer an act. Whether I knew it or not, in one way I did love him.

**It is the things we love most that destroy us. **

I eat another slice of bread then cover the plate and put it away. My stomach was satisfied yet I still felt completely empty. Every bone in my body ached for Peeta. There were so many questions that I wanted to ask him.

_How was your recovery process?_

_Do you still hate me? _

_Do you still love me? _

I pondered the thought for a moment, my eyebrows furrowing together. Peeta hadn't once said that he loved me yet he showed it in more ways than I ever thought possible. The little things he did for me all screaming the words he never got to say. Was that because he didn't actually love me or the fear of knowing that I would not say I love you back? I could only ever say those three words to Prim.

Waves of guilt wash over me, drowning me. I couldn't believe I had been so horrible to Peeta. I couldn't believe how much pain I'd put him through. I couldn't even imagine loving someone who only pretended to love me.

"Hello Sweetheart."

A voice arose from behind me, making me jump. I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't even heard the door open.

"Haymitch," I whisper, trying to catch my breath. "You scared me. Don't do that."

Haymitch rolled his eyes in response and sat himself down on one of the wooden chairs. Strangely, he didn't smell like alcohol today but I could still hear the distinct _clink_ of his tiny bottles that must have been tucked away in his pocket.

"You're not drunk, what a pleasant surprise." I muttered, pursing my lips and siting down next to him. "Is it a special occasion or something?"

Haymitch ignored my remark, looking my dead in the eye.

"Dr. Aurelius called me."

I bite my lip and look away, dropping my head low. Part of the agreement was that I spoke to him on a regular basis but not once had I picked up the phone to answer his calls.

"Don't worry sweetheart, it wasn't about you. Although he would like it if you, you know, actually answered the phone for once. He can't pretend that he's treating you forever."

I sighed in relief, thankful that I wasn't in trouble. I would deal with that later. "So…what does this have to do with me?"

"He called to talk about Peeta." Now he had my full attention, returning my gaze to meet his eyes. "He just wanted to let us know that Peeta basically recovered himself. He is the only known case they have seen of someone returning back relatively normal from that state." Haymitch let out a heavy sigh. He continuously glanced at his pocket and I knew that he was probably aching for a drink. "Thing is, he is not _completely_ recovered. There are still things that could set him off so…just go easy on him Katniss. Don't bring up anything without him bringing it up first. Dr. Aurelius doesn't know if anything will set him off ever again or if he will be worse and completely break down now that he's back in District 12. We just have to take it day by day and help him as best as we can."

I nod, sitting in silence to take in Haymitch's words. This was good news, right?

"I thought that he was fine since they sent him back." I whisper, lowering my eyes to the floor.

"He's been going good for weeks but that was in the Capitol. They wanted to see how he would react being back at home. They are fairly sure that he will be fine but Dr. Aurelius just wanted to warn us not to mention anything really. Well, not until he says something first." Haymitch replied, finally reaching into his pocket to pull out a small flask and taking a long swig.

That seemed easy enough.

"Do you think he…think he still…you know, feels the same for me?" I blurted out, feeling the blush creep up my cheekbones and covering my mouth with my hand.

Haymitch laughed, taking another sip of his drink. "Why is that, huh? Finally realized that you felt something for that poor boy?"

I scowled at him in response, wishing I hadn't said anything.

"Sweetheart, there is nothing in the entire world that would ever change that boy's feelings towards you."

With that, Haymitch stood up and clumsily walked to the door to let himself out.

I close my eyes and leant back in the chair, only focusing on my breathing.

Finally I decide that I'm not strong enough to resist the urge to see Peeta.

Without putting any more thought to the matter, I get up and head out the door. This time, I make sure that I close the door behind me before heading across the path to Peeta's house.

Within seconds I am outside his door, taking a few deep breaths I knock rather than letting myself in. However, I knew that he wouldn't care if I did.

I hear shuffling coming from behind the door which causes my heart to beat erratically. An unusual sensation dwells inside me making me feel strangely…_nervous._ I was actually nervous to see Peeta and this deeply confused me. I had never really experienced these feelings before, with such intensity anyway.

My breath hitches as the door begins to open and as soon as Peeta came into my vision, a tiny smile creeps onto my face.

There he stood in front of me, his blonde curls sat on top of his head in a glorious mess. He had heavy bags under his eyes, clearly he hadn't had any sleep. There was a mixture of colours that decorated his clothes, his face and his hands. I glance down at them; one was holding a paintbrush and the other was trembling slightly. Once he had noticed my worried expression, he balled his hand into a fist.

_Do not say anything unless he mentions it himself. _

I tell myself, swallowing harshly and returning my gaze to meet his piercing blue eyes. As I look into his eyes, I realize that they were still not back to normal. They were rigid and slightly clouded. Like he was trying so desperately to fight whatever lurked inside his the depths of his mind.

"Hey," He spoke, breaking the silence.

I bit my lip, unwilling to tear my gaze from his. "D-Do you mind if I come in?" I mumbled almost incoherently.

A wide grin covers his face and for a moment he was my Peeta again. "You don't have to ask, silly. Come in." His tone was light and casual. He moves aside, gesturing for me to come in and I happily comply.

I pace only a few steps into his house before turning on one foot so that I was facing him. "You haven't slept." I bluntly point out, crossing my arms over my chest.

Peeta shrugs his shoulders, averting his eyes to land anywhere but me. "I couldn't sleep. I was up all night painting. I'm….I…" I look up only to notice the red blush that stained his cheeks. "I'm too scared of the nightmares that come with it." He finally whispers, dropping his head low.

He must know that of all people, I could certainly understand what it was like to be too afraid to sleep. I couldn't stand to see him standing there, looking so helpless and full of grief. I swallow back my earlier feelings of not wanting to feel this way towards him and step forward to wrap my arms around him.

I hold him close and as tightly as I could manage, letting him lean against me. I was still quite weak so I wavered slightly under his weight. Peeta notices quickly and steadies himself, wrapping his arms around me firmly as well. He buried his face in my neck, inhaling my scent. I find splendid comfort by the feel of his body pressed against my own, his breath against my neck and his arms around my waist. There were no words exchanged but our actions spoke loud enough.

We needed each other. It was inevitable. Whether there were any feelings involved, I didn't know and I wasn't going to find out right now. That did not matter. We simply _needed_ each other. At that moment, I vowed to do everything in my power to do what I originally wanted; to keep Peeta alive. I need to pull him out of the darkness that he is in and help him survive this. Just like I know he'd be able to do the same for me.

Reluctantly, I release Peeta from my tight grip, placing my hands on his shoulders and taking a step back. His eyes drooped and his body slumped, clearly he was exhausted. I take his hand in my own and tugged, willing for him to follow me.

He stumbles behind me but eventually I had managed to get him to follow me into his room. He immediately falls onto his bed. At first, I thought he had already fallen asleep. I considered leaving now that he was asleep but as if he could read my thoughts, he turned and looked at me with pleading eyes.

I nodded, knowing exactly what he wanted. I kick off my shoes and crawled onto his bed beside him. He manoeuvred himself so that his head was rested on his pillow and he opened his arms for me just like he always use to. There was no way in the world that I could pass up his offer, so I curled up next to him.

I had longed badly for this, to lie on his chest and hear the steady rhythm of his heart. I had longed to feel his arms wrapped around me while being curled up next to him. Our bodies fit so perfectly together that it made me wonder if we would have ever ended up together if my sister had never been reaped.

I refused to think about that but instead focused on the slight rise and fall of his chest. I didn't know how much time had passed but it didn't bother me. I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to live and savour every moment. Peeta slept peacefully. Occasionally his hand that rested on my hip would tremble but all I had to do was place my hand over his own and the trembling would cease.

Peeta looked so at ease and peaceful as he slept. Looking at him now, it was hard to tell that this boy had endured so much emotional and physical pain. If only I could paint like he did; I would paint the image of him sleeping. Seeing him look so calm filled me with happiness. I didn't want to leave him.

More hours passed and Peeta still slept. I didn't dare to wake him as this was probably the longest and most restful sleep he has had in a long time. Eventually, I close my eyes and let myself drift off into serenity.

* * *

The sunlight streaming in through the open windows woke me up. My brain had registered where I was and who was lying next to me and I sunk deeper into his embrace. I hadn't felt this rested in a long time.

"Morning," Peeta whispers ever so lightly, causing a shiver to roll through my body.

"Good morning. Well, I think it's closer to the evening than morning." I respond, smiling into his chest and laughing softly. I felt content for the first time in what felt like forever. We continue to lay in comfortable silence for a while. Our breathing was the only sound that filled the air.

"I need to go into town today. I want too… I want to see something. Would you like to come with me?"

I look up into his eyes and he had the same look he had last night when he wanted me to come to bed with him. He didn't need to speak, for I already knew that what he wanted to see would require support. I was his support.

I nodded, slowly sitting up. My muscles felt stiff from not moving for hours on end but it didn't bother me in the slightest.

"Let me go get grab some stuff that I want to trade in town and I'll be back." I smiled warmly at him and he returns the smile which makes my stomach fill with butterflies.

"Okay, I'll see you soon Katniss."

I stand and put my boots back on, quickly leaving his room. I skip down the stairs and out the front door. I felt giddy and excited and better than I had in a long time. I wanted to be quick so that I could see Peeta again.

When I get to my front door, I'm shocked to find that it was marginally open. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion and fear. Without thinking, I push my front door open the rest of the way and there stood a tall figure in my hallway.

_Gale._


	4. Chapter 4

"G-Ga-Gale…" I stutter, in a state of complete and utter confusion. My body froze in shock as I try to comprehend what is happening.

_What in the world was Gale Hawthorne doing in my house?_

He stands in front of me looking exactly the same yet completely different. I didn't know if this was just because I thought of him differently now, but there was something just off about him. When I saw Gale, I saw the bomb that killed my sister.

A strange feeling was brewing inside of me. I didn't know if it was rage or resentment.

A smile slowly crept onto his features but I didn't return the gesture. Once he realized that I wasn't exactly excited to see him, his smile faded just as quickly as it had appeared.

"What are you doing here, Gale? How…" My sentence trails off as I am unsure of what to say. I finally step into my house and lower my gaze to the floor, unable to look him in the eye. The feelings that surged through my when I looked at him confused me too much. I was still trying to recover from finally seeing Peeta again. Once upon a time Gale had been my best friend; the only person in the world I felt truly comfortable with besides my sister. However, countless things had changed since then and I could no longer bring myself to feel the same.

_Once upon a time, I wanted to run away with him. _

Guilt swarmed through my as I remembered what I came home to do. I needed to grab my items to trade so that I could be there for Peeta but by the look on Gale's face, I knew that he would not let me leave easily.

"I thought you'd be happy to see me." He spoke, regret evident in his tone. I finally lift my eyes to meet his own and can see the sadness that he is so desperately trying to hide. Back when things were the same as always, I would feel empathy towards him. I used to not be able to bear seeing him like this but things change.

"I guess I'm just hard to please." I mutter back coldly, only now aware of how much anger I was feeling towards him. I had many arguments with myself over whether or not I should be angry with him over the course of the past few months. He didn't know that Coin would use his traps like that. However, he had basically served up his ideas for traps on a platter for her to use. Eventually, I had figured that Prim's death was not his fault and that the blame was completely on Coin. Yet, actually _seeing_ him made all that doubt disappear. Words couldn't describe the rage I was currently feeling towards him.

His grey eyes matched my own and for a split second his face crumpled in pain but he quickly composed himself.

"Katniss, you must believe that I didn't know she was going to use my traps in such an inhumane way. I didn't know she was going to blow up those children. I couldn't…" He trailed off, biting his lip. I raise an eyebrow, willing for him to continue. "I couldn't stay in District 2 anymore. You never left my mind. I can't go on pretending like there was never anything between us. You and I both know that there was. I can't go without at least trying...Once you had said that maybe in a different place things could be different. This may not be a different place but the circumstances are different. You don't need to be scared anymore." Gales' speech leaves him breathless, desperately trying to coherently get the words out of his mouth.

I stare at him in disbelief, opening and closing my mouth but no words come out. What was I supposed to say? Yes, there was once a time that there was _something_ there between Gale and I but even then I respond to them. Regardless of not knowing back then, I surely didn't feel them anymore.

"Gale…I-" I was downright lost for words. For a brief moment, the old Katniss returned and I felt guilty for being so cruel to Gale. He had once been my best friend, the only person that I could rely on. He saved myself and my family.

However, his ideas had also taken someone away from me forever. And I couldn't bring myself to forgive him, not now and perhaps not ever. It would always be there, lingering in the back of my mind.

"Gale…I-I don't feel the same anymore." I wasn't sure if he heard me or not. My voice was barely above a whisper. I was not good at this. I could no longer hold eye contact with him, instead looking everywhere in the room but at Gale.

"Gale, I don't feel that way about anyone right now."

_Lie. _

"I can't feel that way about anyone."

_Truth. _

Gale's eyebrows crumple together in confusion, not seeming to understand what I'm trying to say to him. I could see him frantically try to maintain eye contact but I made sure he did not succeed.

"What do you mean you can't feel that way?" He asked, his tone rising with anger. His fists were clenching and unclenching. He was never one to keep a cool head.

I suddenly remember that Peeta was waiting for me. I felt guilty knowing that I had already kept him waiting for far too long. It then dawns on me that Gale probably doesn't know that Peeta has returned. I don't say anything, knowing that with Gale's fiery temper he would probably march over there and start a brawl with him. Part of me did want to mend things with Gale but if he did this, or anything to Peeta, I wouldn't ever want to see him again.

"Gale, I need to go. I promised….someone that I would go into town with them."

Gale raises an eyebrow, eyeing my curiously.

"Can we at least talk about this later Katniss? I can't just leave things unanswered."

"Yes, okay." I nod in agreement, unsure of what he wanted answered because I already told him that I didn't feel the same towards him. However, I didn't want to argue with him when I had Peeta waiting for me. I would promise anything if it meant that I got to see Peeta sooner.

Before he could say another word, I hastily slip past him and run up the stairs. I head straight for my room and quickly shut the door behind me. My chest feels tight and I can no longer breathe. I rush to the small table beside my bed, reaching in the drawer to find the thing I deem most precious to me. Once my fingers find the soft pearl, I clutch at it like a lifeline in attempt to calm my heavy breathing. My eyes squeeze shut as I breathe in an out, desperately trying to return my breathing back to normal. Peeta only just returned yesterday. Gale couldn't be here. I could only focus on Peeta right now. I can't handle this.

As Peeta creeps back into my mind, I snap out of the state I am in. I don't bother to grab my items for trading, simply wanting to get to Peeta as fast as possible. I slip the pearl into the pocket of my jeans, needing it close to me.

Gale is gone by the time I get downstairs. I scan the living room and kitchen but thankfully he is nowhere to be found. This doesn't bother me and I don't even give a second to think about where he might have gone.

I hurry across the road to Peeta's house, once again feeling nervous to see him. I don't bother knocking this time, walking inside only to find him hunched over something on the kitchen table. From where I'm standing, I could see his eye brows furrowed together in concentration. His piercing blue eyes were slightly narrowed and the tip of his tongue stuck out the side of his mouth in concentration. He looks so beautiful when he draws. I could feel my heart beat pick up rapidly in pace and the butterflies in my stomach were going wild.

I wanted to watch him like this forever. His hands could produce magic with just a pen or paintbrush. Unaware of my surroundings, I stepped forward to get a closer look. The loud _bang_ produced as the flowerpot (luckily it was empty _and_ it was metal so it didn't make a mess) hit the floor which causes me to snap out of the state I was in. It also makes Peeta jump out of his chair completely.

"Katniss! I didn't even see you walk in. You scared the hell out of me." His face was flustered, his eyes frantic but he still managed to look as beautiful as ever.

I look down in attempt to hide the fierce red blush that covered my cheeks and neck. My eyes ware wide as I try to rack my brain to think of an excuse; I don't want to tell him that I was too mesmerized by him to look where I was going.

"I should have knocked, I'm sorry. As for the pot…well that kind of jumped out in front of me and I wasn't quick enough to dodge it." I mutter lamely, embarrassed by my pathetic excuse. Peeta chuckles and I shift awkwardly, bending down to pick up the pot and placing it back where it was originally.

When I finally have the courage to look up at Peeta, I regret it instantly. A smirk is plastered on his face; oh yeah, he had definitely noticed my blush. When he observes how humiliated I looked, his expression softens and he hurries my side. He wraps an arm around me, resulting in my heart missing a beat.

"Hey, don't worry about it. Let's just head to town. Wait, where are you things to trade?" He smiles at me, his ocean blue eyes causing me to melt into the ground. There was no trace of the darkness that clouded his eyes before. At this precise moment, he was my Peeta again.

"No it's okay, I realised that I didn't need to anymore." I released the breath I had not known I was holding and motion towards the door. I follow Peeta out of the house, Gale already pushed to the back of my mind.

The walk from Victors Village to town was silent but not awkward. We were both comfortable not speaking; just being in each other's company was comforting after not seeing each other for so long. There were moments when my hand would gently brush his and each time the red in my cheeks grew more obvious. I never look in his direction when this would happen, in fear of him seeing me blush. He had already seen that once today and I wasn't sure I could handle him seeing it again. Evidently there were not a lot of things I could handle today.

I didn't know what he would think of my reaction. I used to hold his hand many times; during the Victory Tour, many times in public without feeling like this. Why did I feel this way now?

I was scared to let him see me like this because he would be able to read me like an open book. Which would likely result with him wanting to talk about feelings and emotions and stuff I was bluntly not good at talking about. I didn't want to hear him say that he no longer loves me and that the just because he was sort-of recovered from the hijacking, doesn't mean he would still feel the same for me.

I suddenly realize that I am walking on my own and that Peeta was no longer beside me. Frantically, I spin around to see that he had stopped dead in his tracks.

"Peeta what's…" When I finally became aware of my surroundings, I immediately stop speaking. I knew exactly where we were and I knew exactly what was causing the look of pure grief on his face.

The bakery or what was left of the bakery anyway stood in a crumpled heap not 20 meters from where we stood. I swallow the lump in my throat and slowly walk towards him. His gaze never leaves the ruins of his old home. Seeing the pain surface beneath his eyes makes me want to envelope him in my arms but I am too stubborn to do this.

"Peeta," My voice was barely above a whisper. "Peeta, I'm so, so sorry." I reach out and clutch his hand, squeezing tightly. His hands felt so tough yet were always so gentle. This was one of the things that I loved about Peeta.

"It's not your fault." Peeta says calmly. He was still unable to take his eyes off what was left of his bakery.

Oh, but it was. It was my fault entirely. If I had not brought out those stupid berries in the first arena this would not have happened. If I had not blown up the arena during the Quarter Quell, the people of District 12 would still be alive. Peeta's family would still be alive. I was grieving the loss of my sister; he was grieving the loss of his entirefamily.

"It is my-"

"No, it is not your fault." Peeta cuts me off, finally tearing his gaze away and looking my dead in the eye. "It's not your fault. You did not kill them. Please, can we just go back home. I thought I could handle this but I can't. Please." He pleaded, looking at me. When our eyes meet, I freeze. His eyes were no longer his own. They were not the eyes blue eyes that were home to the Peeta that I met in the Hunger Games. These eyes were dark and belonged to someone different; someone that the Capitol had created.

I had to think quickly. I couldn't show him that I was scared. I had to show him that I trusted him because he believed that no one ever would. He needed someone to not be scared of him and to trust him wholeheartedly and that would person would be me.

I nod once because I am unable to form any words. My hand was still gripping his and I was not yet ready to let go. He turned abruptly and I follow; he didn't want to let go of my hand either.

There were people walking throughout the town. Some gave us disapproving look; some looked at us with sympathy. I try my best to ignore them but I felt overwhelmed with guilt. There people could have lost their families, their friends and it was all because of me. No matter how many times Peeta or anyone else would try to convince me that it was not my fault, I knew that it was. This was something I was sure of. There was nothing I could ever do to make it up to these people, or Peeta.

As we walk back towards the Victors Village I all of a sudden remember who was there waiting for me.

"Peeta," I murmured, his name barely leaving my mouth. Somehow he heard me and turned his head towards me. The darkness in his eyes was gone but it left him looking empty, lifeless.

I could almost hear my heart shatter. I had put this boy through hell. Yet here he was, by my side. It took a long time to realise it but I knew deep down that I loved him. Thinking back, I knew it the moment he hit the force field and his heart had stopped beating but I was far too stubborn to ever admit it. Because I knew that if I did, there was no turning back. I wanted to make the boy in front of me happy again.

"Gale's here." They were the only words I could form.

I could only faintly see the pain that swept across Peeta's features before he composed himself quickly. By now, we had stopped walking. I wanted so badly to throw my arms around Peeta and tell him that I loved him but I couldn't.

"I didn't know that he was coming, when I left yours this morning he was in my house. I don't know where he is now but he said that he wants to talk to me tonight."

Peeta stares at me but doesn't respond. He simply nods, turns around and walks off. I couldn't seem to move my feet so I stand there for what felt like an eternity, silently wishing that Peeta would reappear.

He doesn't.

* * *

After an unknown amount of time, I arrive back to my house in the Victors Village. I tried my hardest not to look, but of course I gave in and glanced towards Peeta's house. The curtains were pulled shut and there were no lights on. This worries me because I know that Peeta likes to sleep with the lights on. I wonder where he is and guilt seeps into my veins, consuming me. If I made him have an hallucination, I would never forgive myself.

I opened my front door to find Gale perched on the couch. He must have returned from wherever he went before. Or maybe he hadn't left and I just didn't look properly. He looks in my direction as I shut the door and a smile appears on his face. Why does he always think that I'd be happy to see him?

Once again, I don't return the gesture. Instead, I stare at him coldly. I clench my fists, suddenly became progressively angry. If he hadn't returned to District 12 at this point in time, Peeta wouldn't have stormed off and I'd probably still be with him, comforting him. I had to blame Gale because I was too weak to blame myself.

"Get out." I mutter, scowling at him. I want him to leave. I don't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to the mastermind behind the bomb that killed my sister.

"Catnip, I'm sorry."

"Don't call me that."

"You don't understand… I had no idea that Coin would do that!" Gale stands and walks in my direction. I take a step back, not wanting to be anywhere near him.

"The idea itself was cruel. And it killed my sister. You killed my sister."

Gale drops to his knees in front of me and lowers his head, hiding his face with his hands.

At one point in my life, Gale had saved me. We were two starving kids with families to feed and although I loved Peeta with everything that I had, I couldn't forget that Gale had once saved me too. Without even knowing how it happens, I find myself kneeling next to him with my arms around him and for a moment, I am just Katniss and he is just Gale.

_I assure you that this is endgame Everlark! Thank you for reading and reviewing. It really means a lot to me. I love you all! :) _


	5. Chapter 5

_Trigger warnings: drug abuse and suicide. _

I don't know how long Gale and I stay huddled together. Part of me screams to let him go, that he was a monster and that I should stay far away from him. The other side of me longed to stay in his arms, remembering the best friend that I had before the Games took over my life. Much to my own disgust, I was too weak to let him go. I had not had personal comfort like this in a long time and I craved it.

Eventually I could no longer ignore the aching in my muscles and the battle going on in my mind. I release my grip from around him, only just realizing that my shirt was damp. Had he been crying?

Gale pulls away also, slowly raising his head to look up into my eyes. His eyes are stained red from crying but there are no more tears. Out of nowhere, he begins to lean forward, his eyes slowly drifting shut. My eyebrows crumple in confusion but I quickly realise what he's aiming for.

No this, this I could not do.

I shake my head, backing away from him hastily. Since my lips did not meet with Gales, he quickly registers my rejection and within a few seconds, his eyes open again.

"Well, I guess you got over feeling sorry for me whenever I'm in pain." He mumbles, laughing bitterly.

The rage I had kept at bay before begins to rage inside of me. I leep to my feet, staring down at him.

Beforehand, I probably would have kissed him because he was in pain. No, I _would_ have kissed him. Every kiss we had shared was initiated because I knew he had been in pain. Unlike the times my lips touched Peeta's, Gale's had never produced the fire that burned inside of me. A burning desire that left me wanting more. I had only ever felt that way when I kissed Peeta.

However, he was right. I no longer felt the desire to numb his pain by giving him what he wanted. There was only one person that I wanted to make happy and right now I had no idea where he was.

"What did you expect when you came here? Did you think that I would just run back to you and we would live happily ever after?! Gale, I don't feel that way about you. I'm sorry if you feel that way about me but I don't return the feeling. Whatever you think I felt for you, I didn't. I don't feel that way about anyone and I never will so there is no point in trying." I spoke franticly, afraid that if I stopped I wouldn't be able to continue. I was afraid that the weak side of me would give in and welcome him back into my arms. As much as I hated him, I missed him. I missed my hunting partner. But we both weren't those people anymore.

Gale stands as I continue my speech.

"A long time ago we were best friends, Gale. I can never repay you for what you did for my family and how you helped to rescue so many people when the Capitol bombed District 12. But I can also never forgive you for what happened to my sister. You should have stayed in District 2 because you've wasted your time coming here."

"You love _him._" Gale speaks calmly, taking deep breaths to control his anger. He _did_ have a temper after all.

I couldn't respond though, because he was right. At least I think he was. I don't know what I felt for him.

"What you should have said was, 'I will never feel that way about anyone else' not that you never will."

I still couldn't say anything because once again, he was right. Dammit. I knew that he would be able to tell I was lying. He could always tell.

"But Katniss, that's only because you've never tried. If your sister wasn't reaped and you hadn't of volunteered Peeta would not have suffered and you wouldn't feel the need to be with him! Katniss, we could have made it work. You yourself talked about running off into the woods with me."

The desperation in his voice would have made me pity him if he had not angered me more. This time, he was wrong.

"Gale. When are you going to get it through that thick head of yours that I_ did not _feel that way about you. Whatever I feel or don't feel about Peeta is absolutely none of your business now. You don't know what we have been through together. You will never be able to understand."

By now I was dripping with rage. How dare he insinuate that we would have ended up together if I had not have been in the Games. I never wanted a life like that with anyone. I wouldn't have dreamt of marriage or starting a family because I was too busy trying to provide for the two family members I had. I had vowed not to bring a child into a world where they could be forced into something as sickening as the Hunger Games.

Now that the war was over and Panem was in a state of peace, I was still so afraid of loving someone because I knew how unbearable heartbreak was. I knew that there was no way I could ever stop myself from loving Peeta but I could try and pretend that I didn't. I could not let my love for Peeta surface because there was a chance that I would break Peeta's heart once again. I couldn't hurt him anymore.

"He tried to kill you!" Gale screamed, drawing me back to reality.

"You know exactly why he did! He was tortured and hijacked by the Capitol! They turned him into a weapon specifically designed to kill me! And did he? No! He fought his way back. Yes, it may have taken him some time but he did." I didn't even know why we were discussing Peeta when it was really none of Gale's business.

"And what if he tries to kill you again? What if you do something and he snaps! There are no guards here, no one to drug him if he attacks you. You'll be dead before you know it."

His words slowly sink in. Of course I was scared that he would snap and turn back into the Peeta the Capitol had created but I couldn't let that scare me. I had to trust him because no one else did.

"You need to leave." I take a step back and motion towards the door. I wanted him out of my house and as far away as possible.

Everything had happened so quickly. Just yesterday, Peeta had returned and I finally felt hope; finally felt like things could be good again. Now, Gale was standing before me. My feelings and emotions were a rollercoaster and I was not enjoying the ride. One minute, I wanted to hug him and tell him that I was sorry for breaking his heart. The next minute, I wanted to viciously attack him. I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

I didn't bother to wait for him to leave. I use the rest of the energy in my body to run up the stairs and into my room. There was something that Haymitch had given to me that was hidden in the back of my closet. He understood the need to be numb; he knew what it was like to be afraid to sleep. He drank away his life every day to avoid feeling anything. I could not handle my alcohol, but drugs were easier to get into my system.

I reach into the back of my cupboard, fumbling for the box containing several syringes filled with a liquid substance: something they used in the Capitol and District 13 to knock me out. Perhaps it was morphling. Whenever it was used against my will, I hated it. But during my first few weeks in District 13, Haymitch had smuggled me some when I couldn't sleep. It was enough to make me have a good night's rest without taking hours to fall asleep. I had welcomed the drug into my system a few times before so that I could drift off into oblivion. I silently thanked Haymitch.

I was instructed only to take it when I was desperate and to only inject one vial. The doses were much smaller than the ones given to me in District 13. Even though they were smaller, without supervision they could be very dangerous. Or could they? I didn't know. I didn't care. I didn't plan on waking up this time. I was weak. No one needed me. My mother hadn't tried to contact me in months. Haymitch had his alcohol. Peeta would be better off without me. The place where I was headed meant that I could finally see Prim and my father again.

Peeta had lost everything. The capitol had murdered his family, stripped him from his identity and turned him into someone unrecognizable. They had even taken his leg. Yet here I was, surrendering to the pain that consumed me instead of searching for him. I was a coward.

_How silly of you to trust me with this, Haymitch._ I thought, shaking my head slowly with a sad smile creeping onto my face.

I inject the first needle into my leg before I could change my mind and I almost instantly feel the effects. I grab another two and lazily climbed into bed while I still had some consciousness left in my body. Once on the bed, I stab the other two into my leg at the same time. The last image to flood my thoughts was Peeta's face as I let the darkness take me, welcoming it with open arms.

* * *

**PEETA'S POV: **

The moment his name left her lips I instantly felt sick. Things had been relatively good since my arrival. When Katniss had woken up after fainting at my doorstep, she seemed…happy to see me to say the least. We had shared hugs and we even fell asleep in each other's arms. I had done a fairly good job at keeping myself together until that one named slipped from her lips.

It shouldn't have angered me as much as it did. Katniss was never truly mine and Gale had never actually taken her away from me. However, Gale and I both had strong feelings for Katniss and it was obvious to everyone but her that she had felt something for us both. But of course, I was human and the mere mention of his name filled me with jealousy.

Hours had passed since then. I did feel slightly bad for walking away and leaving Katniss without saying a word but I knew that if I had opened my mouth or unclenched my fists, I would have lost control. I would rather hurt her feelings than hurt her physically. I couldn't risk losing my control around her.

There were still parts of my mind that had not fully recovered; the Peeta that the Capitol had created still lurked inside of me, haunting me in my dreams. Dr. Aurelius seemed to believe that I had made a complete recovery but that was because I had become better at controlling it. I had not been all that honest with him during our most recent sessions. I had told him that nothing would set me off and that I didn't ever feel that rage boiling inside of me, threatening to take over. Truth was, that I most definitely felt it but I had come up with ways to calm it. However, that was in the Capitol where I had been placed in a controlled environment with nothing but my own wandering thoughts to set me off. Now I was in my home town where the ashes of my family forever meshed with the dirt beneath my feet and Katniss not 100 feet from me.

This terrified me because I had no idea if I would be able to handle things. Seeing the burnt down bakery made me feel like my insides were made of steel. Hearing that Gale was waiting for Katniss in her house made me feel like the venom had made its way back into my veins, stealing my soul and turning me into a person that I never knew existed. They had taken away my identity and morphed me into their own design, using me to break the Mockingjay. I felt like ever since I had been reaped I was just used for the benefit of everyone else.

I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the thoughts to go away. I couldn't think like that because I knew that if I did I would surely lose it.

I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them, hiding my face in my legs. I still loved her and that's why knowing that Katniss was with Gale right now was making me insanely jealous.

When I had first begun my treatment, I remember thinking that there was no way that I could ever fall for someone like Katniss. It took me a while but eventually I began to crave her touch. The Capitol had ruined my mind but there were certain things that my body remembered on instinct. I began to remember why I loved her and that I loved her unconditionally. Snow didn't know about the times we shared on the train or on the roof of the Training Centre. During my treatment in District 13 when I was stable enough for her to visit me, the times our hands accidently brushed or even the mere sight of her set my body on fire. It was a good burning, something that would always leave me wanting more. Whether it was for a longer hug, just too simply be in her presence for longer or if it longed for something more, I didn't know.

What it did make me realize though, was that what I felt for her was not hate, but love. A love so that was so strong and real, I was prepared to die for her. It took me a _very _long time and a lot of convincing on Haymitch's part to realize that she was prepared to die for me many times as well. She was not the heartless mutt the Capitol had made me believe she was.

I knew for sure that I still loved her the moment I found out about her getting shot when she went to District 2. They had to drug me up so badly that I was out for a couple of days. They thought I was having an episode when really I was going crazy because she had been hurt, wanting to murder the person that shot her. _'I must have loved you a lot.' _I had told her. Thing was, I loved her even more.

Haymitch's voice yelling out to me brings me back to reality.

"Peeta!" he screamed, "Peeta, where the hell are you?!"

"Behind the house!" I yell back in response, my limbs seem to be locked into the position they had been in for hours. My muscles felt strangely weak. I was surprised that I was able to speak loud enough for Haymitch to hear me.

It was night time now and the sky was dark, the only light coming from the moon but after being out here for so long my eyes had adjusted. I was able to see Haymitch stumbling towards me, clearly drunk. I wouldn't have been bothered by his presence if I hadn't seen the deranged look in his eyes.

I stand abruptly, ignoring the aching of my muscles.

He raises his arms, roughly putting his hands on both my shoulders as if he were trying to steady me.

"Katniss," he whispers. I feel my heart drop to the floor and my blood freeze. He looked guilty.

"What happened?!" I demanded, my face an inch away from his. I had to clench my fists to stop myself from lashing out at him.

He just shook his head, his mouth opened and closed but no words came out. My heart began to race rapidly. The drumming in my ears was deafening.

I didn't bother to wait for him to respond because I knew that I wouldn't get one.

I begin to sprint towards her house. I could hear someone screaming her name in pain. I had never heard this agony in Gale's voice before. This only makes me run faster and before I knew it, I was in her room. Gale had his hands on her shoulders, shaking her violently. At first I thought he was trying to hurt her but then I realized she wasn't responding, not even in the slightest bit.

"Katniss," I breathe, not believing what my eyes are seeing. Gale looks up when I speak her name and his expression turns from pain to anger.

"This is all your fault!" He cries. Within a split second he lunges forward, knocking me off my feet and onto the ground. I feel a blow to my face where Gale's fist landed, splitting my lip. I instantly taste blood.

Just because I was weaker than I was before, doesn't mean that I didn't have any fight left in me. Gale must have forgotten that I was a wrestler back before the Games condemned me. I use my strength to push him off of me and use my speed to jump on top of him, pinning him down. I land an uppercut just under the jaw, successfully hitting the nerve that would knock him out. Gale lay limp under me. I would have smiled if this were different circumstances; I had wanted to knock him out for quite some time.

Remembering why I was here in the first place, I jump off of Gale and run back into Katniss' room. She hasn't moved from where Gale had left her. She lay there; limp like there was no longer life in her.

_There was no longer life in her._

She was in my arms within an instant, my hot tears rolling down and landing on her face. She was cold. "Katniss," I whisper, "Please come back to me…Katniss please…" I plead, rocking her back and forth slowly. There was no way I could lose her. I didn't want to live if Katniss didn't. If she was gone, I would be too.

"Katniss please!" I cry out in agony, desperately reaching for the spot on her neck to check if she really did have any life in her body.

A trickle of hope came the moment I felt a slow but sure enough, a pulse. This was much too slow to be good but it was something. She was still there.

I twist slightly so that I was able to speak directly to her blank face. The tears were still streaming down my face.

"Katniss, please, it's Peeta. I'm here and I won't ever leave you. Please come back to me Katniss, I need you. Please." At this point I was begging. Nothing else in this world mattered. All the jealously and anger I was feeling before vanished and all that mattered now was her. The pain in my face from Gales punch was non-existent. I wanted her to be alive and happy. Whether it meant being with me, Gale or no one it did not matter. I just needed her to be alive.

I shook her, not violently but not gently either while sobbing her name. I began to pepper her face with kisses, tasting my salty tears on her skin. Still, she did not move.

At this point in time the hope I had felt vanished and because of this I said the one thing I had wanted to say to her since I realized it myself.

"I still love you Katniss," I whimpered, pressing my face into her neck.

If it had not been the proximity of my ear near her mouth, I probably wouldn't have heard her.

"Peet…" Katniss mumbles and I feel her begin to stir in my arms.

I pull back only enough to be able to see her face but I keep my arms wrapped tightly around her. I won't ever let her go.

"Katniss? Katniss come back to me please. Katniss I'm here. I promise I am here and that I'm here for you, please come back to me."

She begins to move more in my arms, slowly but surely.

"Katniss," I sob again, biting my lip hard to stop myself from screaming.

Her arms began to snake around me or, at least they try to. I roll onto my back and pull her into my arms; much like the nights on the train where she would spend the night wrapped in my arms.

"S-S-stay wi..with…" The words barely escape her lips before she drifts off again.

I press my lips to her forehead, knowing all too well what she intended to say.

"_Always."_ I respond because no matter what the Capitol or anyone else could try to convince me or make me feel towards her, I would stay with her always, no matter what.


End file.
